Mens Old Friend

Divorced or Widowed Men's Manual

Divorced or Widowed Men's Manual (PP-LC-m4)

 

<b>If you find yourself at a loss for words on dates:</B> First of all ask questions, not personal ones but topics such as her favourite hobbies, interests, sports, TV shows, movies she has seen. Ask her to tell you about her first car; ask her about the rings she is wearing on her fingers; how does she travel to work and even about her friends. That should keep her going for the entire meeting.

 There is a little trick you can learn. Keep your own library of topics that you can bring up. Amusing stories, we all have them, but it is impossible to think of them when you are stretched anyway, on new territory and trying to get everything right.

 Write a list of your favourite stories and amusing incidents. Once you have written down the topics you will remember some of them when you need them. You don't need too many because she wants to get a word in here and there.

 I went out with a guy who had all his favourite stories ready for me. We couldn't have a conversation because he had story after story. His stories were probably good ones but they were all men type stories about the armed forces that didn't interest me. I was wondering how I would ever switch him off.

 I was feeling that he was taking no interest in me while he was reeling off his stories verbatim. I was right. It turned out that the relationship was all about him. Don't let the conversation follow a path that makes you look as though you are not interested in her.

 Also try to remember what she told you. If you can refer to her discussion next time you meet she will be delighted. Women love men who can remember what they have told them and call them when they say they will, oh and arrive on time.

 Here are the things you must not discuss even if she asks you about them: Other women, your 'ex', your children, complaints of any kind including other women you've met or your mother and especially about work, anything negative, house work and shopping.

  No one wants to hear complaints or about your negative attitude, and the average career woman would be bored to tears hearing you talk about housework or shopping. If she asks you why your marriage ended, have a 5 word sentence ready then change subject. People pretend they are interested but they are not.

 Remember a very important fact, just because people ask you doesn't mean you should tell them. Manage the conversation to ensure it's fun and interesting but not personal.

 <b>How to avoid baggage creeping into exciting new dating:</b>

How to avoid baggage creeping into exciting new dating: Keep your 'ex' in a compartment that is never aired in the company of other women. If you dare to complain about a woman (even if it is your 'ex'), you will antagonize the one you are trying to woo. Women believe that all women are sisters-under-the-skin. If you complain about a woman, you are the enemy. If you complain about your mother or your children you are a monster. If you complain about your marriage, you are not only a monster but it reveals what a poor marriage partner you were.

Many divorced men want to talk about these things, it's only natural; just don't make the mistake of treating a date like a therapist. Find yourself a therapist and get it all out of your system before you start dating. If you can't get it all out, at least compartmentalise it and keep it for the therapist.

 This is more important than you probably realise. If your 'ex' is not compartmentalised she will still be controlling your life, your thoughts, your conversation - and the result? She will be causing you to screw up instead of moving forward.

 Compartmentalise your children too. You were used to talking about the children every night with your 'ex', however you will find other women will go cross-eyed on the second time you mention them. Keep them in a compartment that is separate from dating altogether.

 Being single is very different from being married. Single women are not interested in your children because they did not give birth to them. She won't be interested in them until she falls head over heels in love with you. All she wants to know is that you have a healthy/happy relationship with them. Any signs of interest she gives before that is usually to be polite. But I can just hear her now as she relates her date with you. "He was such a bore, his entire range of topics was about his children."

 If you are a workaholic and your life is mainly about work you have better compartmentalise that too. She won't want to hear too much about work either.

<b> Seduction can be easy</bg>:

Seduction can be easy if your home is conducive to entertaining women: Is your home-base a place you will be proud to bring women? Get into the habit of keeping it clean. Never leave a mess to come home to. Don't go to bed leaving a mess behind. It is easiest tidied if you don't get it into a mess in the first place. For the major work, employ a housekeeper who comes in to wash, iron and clean once a week. If you are very neat, you may get away with once a fortnight. Having a clean pad is essential if you want to entertain women. It is also good for you, it helps to re-develop your self esteem.

 Before you start dating, eliminate the "this will do" attitude and get your castle looking the way you would like it to look. Make it a home that reflects your personality, because that is how women will judge you. They are not going to judge you on the home you had with your 'ex'. It's no good driving her past that house. You have to show her the pad you live in now.

 Get a decorator in if you cannot easily reflect your own personality. You will be amazed at what a decorator can do on a small budget. You won't believe the results. She can make your place look sensational. It's not going to cost you anymore. It will probably cost you less because you won't have to allow for mistakes in your decorating budget.                         

Most women are sticklers for cleanliness and not keen on dogs in the house. Don't put off a beautiful woman because your pad is unclean or because of doggie smells. Don't leave the children's toys all over the lounge. Make the place look as though it belongs to you and not your children. Don't worry about your children they are quite capable of making themselves at home next time they visit.

 Did you know that if you don't change your sheets weekly the smell of unwashed sheets permeates through the whole house. You can't smell it because you are used to it but others will gasp as they walk through the door.

 Fresh flowers is a lovely touch. If you add a tablespoon of household bleach to the water the vase won't stain and the water doesn't smell. It doesn't kill the flowers – except water lilies they don't like bleach.

<b> Clothes maketh the man:</b>

Clothes Maketh the Man: Revamp your wardrobe. When you were in your twenties without a pot gut or grey hair or balding you could get away with poor taste in clothes. Now at your age, 'clothes maketh the man'.

 You only get one opportunity to create a good first impression, so make sure you always give a good first impression. A woman will notice every detail about your clothing.

  Before you start dating re-vamp your wardrobe. Look at what the smart guys are wearing around town. How do you compare? If you don't think you can look like them, engage an image consultant.

 It's not going to cost you any more. It will probably cost you less because you won't have to allow for mistakes in your clothing budget.

 Don't rely on the salesman in the men's wear department. He is most probably on a commission and will sell you what he wants to get rid of. My young brother once came home with a small fortune's worth of clothing.

The salesman had had a field day. He ended up with a load of clothes that were out of date, did not match and some did not even fit. My brother was thrilled with his purchases because the salesman had done such a great job on him. Don't let that happen to you.

 Anything in your wardrobe that is 2 years old is most probably out of fashion and should be thrown out or stored. New clothes that are right for you will give your ego such a boost.

 At Entre Nous we encourage guys to engage an image consultant. The guys who lack confidence get such a boost from a new wardrobe that we find they succeed with women very promptly.

 <b> Beware! Don't be tricked, fooled or conned!<b/>

Beware! Don't leave yourself open to be tricked, fooled or conned. Although your 'ex' may have been a monster, you could probably trust her. That does not mean you can trust every woman you meet. Be on guard and don't trust until she has earned your trust and that takes time.

 You are going to be very lonely now that you are divorced. You want a woman and want her now; however you don't want another monster and if you jump in too quickly to satisfy your yearnings you could end up with exactly that.

 This time it is important that you choose the right woman. This takes time. It is also important to have a choice. Meet as many women as possible before you choose. You may eventually discover that you are suited to a woman who is different from the type that you thought was just right for you.

As a word of warning, men who rush into marriage again usually end up with a mirror image of the first wife and go through all the same agonies again. The second time around they try harder to make it work which means they are even more miserable than they were in the first marriage but they want to prove to themselves they can get a marriage to work.

It's safer to play the field for a while and try to meet a variety of women. Did you know that some relationships are prone to be volatile and others can be so peaceful? It depends on the personality mix. 

Do you want to end up always fighting? Of course not. Try to find a woman that you feel comfortable with, who is not too much of a challenge. Of course there must be fun and laughter but also peace and quiet; a safety element, a refuge from the outside world. 

Beware of the woman who has a new problem every week. Whilst it is great to be able to solve a woman's problems for her, the type of woman who has problems may always have problems. Some of these problems can be time consuming or costly. 

How would you like to be stuck with a woman who presents you with a new problem every evening when you arrive home? There will be no time to have fun and if she creates all these problems she will no doubt have little time to spend on creating a pleasant environment for the person who should be the most important person in her life. 

<b> Manners maketh the man:</b>

I know I previously said it was clothes but actually it's both! Remember the manners you used when you were just out of high school. In a marriage situation, you became comfortable with each other and stopped hopping up whenever your wife left or entered the room. 

However with each new woman you meet you need to display the manners you were taught as a boy. Don't take a woman for granted the way one does when there is a familiar air of predictability. Always ask, never assume you know what she wants or doesn't want just because your 'ex' liked things a certain way. 

                It is easy to think all women want the same things. Never assume. Some women are really offended if you don't open doors or pull out chairs for them, whilst others think it's unnecessary, just never assume. 

Show consideration in small ways. Don't assume you know what will make her happy. Let her tell you what she likes and doesn't like. Surprises are best kept for women you know really well. 

                Start with a clean slate and have no expectations of what women want and don't want because you will find they are all different. Just because your 'ex' was not punctual, don't assume all women will be late or that she won't enjoy the football or camping. 

Every woman is different so encourage her to talk about the things she likes etc. 

Some women like to eat before a show and others prefer to eat afterwards. If you are planning to invite her to a dinner and a show don't forget to ask her when she would like to eat. 

The woman who falls asleep during a show if she has had a couple of drinks will be just as disappointing as the woman who hates eating late because she has a big day tomorrow. When you know what makes her happy – you will be able to make her happy.

 <b>Don't rush into the next relationship</b>

Don't rush into the next relationship: It's tempting to want to develop a relationship to overcome that sheer loneliness you feel. However, remember the old adage: "Quick to rise, quick to fall". It means, quick to form a relationship, then it will be quick for the relationship to fall apart. 

Did you know that the success or failure rate of marriages formed in less than 2 years after a separation have an 80% failure rate. Need I say more? 

You know you don't want to be alone, but don't let your loneliness colour your thinking. Be determined to play the field. Try to keep yourself so busy with a variety of women so that you don't have time to be lonely. 

Take risks, invite out women whom you have always considered were not your type. Explore new possibilities. Especially invite out women who are 'not your cup of tea', just to find out what it is that other men find attractive about them. It would be very daring to invite out a woman who does not have 'the look' you like but do it anyway. 

At Entre Nous men meet women that they would not necessarily have chosen for themselves, this gives them the opportunity to explore friendships with women that they would never have gone out with otherwise. 

It is amazing how many times we hear men say: "I never imagined Lucy was my type but once I got to know her I realised she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Because she wasn't the look I always go for, I almost missed out on appreciating her beauty." 

                At Entre Nous We hear this often: "I have always had relationships that were challenging, I thought that was the norm. I always thought that all beautiful woman were challenging. I never realised I could have it all – a beautiful woman and a harmonious relationship." 

                An old friend of mine was madly in love with his wife although she accused him of stuff he wasn't guilty of and there always seemed to be upheavals until the relationship finally ended. He played the field for quite some time until he met a woman with whom he also fell madly in love. 

I think he fell in love with her because she didn't fight with him and when he was agitated she was able to calm him down. His marriage with his lovely new woman is peaceful whilst his ex-wife is probably in another acrimonious relationship. 

You, too, can have a harmonious and happy relationship. Take a few risks, step out of your comfort zone and explore every opportunity. After all every man deserves a peaceful happy existence. 

There is the right woman out there who may be different from what you think is right for you. Give yourself this opportunity to meet a variety of women. Finding the right woman is more important than finding a woman to solve your loneliness immediately. 

To find out your personality type or to find out "Are you ready for a relationship?": Books by Rosalind Baker (nee Neville) Dial A Woman, Dial A Man & Dial A Personality:www.singles.net.au

About the Author

Rosalind Baker's professional commitment to 'match making' is well into its second decade, although she has always possessed that innate ability to pair people off. She even introduced her ex-husband to his next wife! Having established Entre Nous: Relationship Consultants & Educators in 1991 she has now lost count of the number of relationships the organisation has helped to establish. While there have been many 'fly-by-night' introduction agencies over the past two decades in Melbourne, Entre Nous has stood the test of time. This is due, in no small part, to the professionalism and passion of Rosalind Baker. She has written three best sellers. The first, 'Dial A Woman' offers advice to Australian men on how to choose the right partner and then maintain a successful relationship. The obvious sequel, 'Dial A Man' advised women on how to recognise and attract the man of their dreams. While writing her third book, 'Dial a Personality', she realised she had discovered the successful formula for matching couples. As a journalist Rosalind has written extensively on social affairs and women's issues and is a well-known social commentator on courtship. Rosalind has been the delegate representing Australian and New Zealand at the International Institute of Introduction Services. She is a keen follower of the Arts and supports Opportunity International. She had four children and with her new husband, Tom Baker, they now have 11 grandchildren between them.

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